dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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