i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
