I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
