Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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