I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
