I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
