you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
