Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
