well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
