You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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