nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
