Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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