i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
