I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
