I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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