Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
