Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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