Sorry, I don't speak sober.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
