Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
