a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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