Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
