Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
