when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
