I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
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