I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
