I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
