whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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