When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
