I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
