um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
