So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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