final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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