The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
