She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
