Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
