i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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