They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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