Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
