he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
