I can text with my tongue
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
