I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
