I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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