So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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