the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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