I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
