My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
