I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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