who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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