How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
