Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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