My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
