Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
