i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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