Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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