Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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