Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
