just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
