when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
