you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
