Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
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