just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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