just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
