You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
