a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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