9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I want her autograph on my taint
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
